Agonizwmai

Early one morning, my brother Michael texted me asking me to pray for his friend on the internet who was searching for Christ. Normally at such times  I would say, “God, help Michael’s friend come to know You and give Michael the words to say.” But not this day.
As soon as I got the text, I began to pray and since the house was empty, I prayed out loud. By the time I got on the treadmill, there were two more of Michael’s friends added to the list. The words were coming out of my mouth before I thought of them, as if I was reading or quoting something I’d memorized. I didn’t have to search for more things to pray. Words just kept coming and so did agonizwmai. Agonizwmai comes from Romans 15:30 “I urge you, brethren… to strive together with me in your prayers.” It means to struggle, fight, labor fervently, strive; to compete for a prize or to contend with an enemy.
It wasn’t anger I felt; rather it was more like the power with which the Apostles cast out demons. With authority and confidence and tightness in my chest, I thought I was reminding God of His promises, demanding that He remember them. But just who was reminding whom? God’s not the one with the faulty memory.
I didn’t know what to say. That’s when God reminded me that “the Spirit also helps our weakness, for we do not know how to pray as we should.” (Romans 8:26) Verse after verse came to my mind from James, Philippians, Matthew, Isaiah…. The last verse I stopped on was this: “And all things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive.” (Matthew 21:22) And I had to ask myself, “Do I believe that?”
I’ve never been one to “name it and claim it” or believe that just because I pray something, God has to do it. But God reminded me again that “if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.” (1 John 5:14) Was this prayer according to His will? It certainly wasn’t coming from me. I felt like all the Scripture I’d ever memorized was just right at my fingertips and on the tip of my tongue. How could that be except by the Holy Spirit? I am incapable of remembering how much vanilla goes into the recipe even though I’ve been told six times. I am doing well just to read one verse each day. No, not I, but Him. If ever I was sure of anything in my life, it’s that this prayer did not come from me, and no demon would ever supply me with that much Scripture. The only other choice was that it came from God.
I could also say for sure, “This prayer had power.” The Apostle Paul wanted to know “the fellowship of sharing in [Christ’s] sufferings, becoming like Him in His death.” (Philippians 3:10 NIV) God only knows how many times I’ve quoted that verse and never understood it but today it hit me: Jesus agonized over us in His death. He was pleading for our lives. That is what I was doing. Sure, I prayed for people’s salvation before, but never like this. I found myself begging God for their lives, claiming His promises as if He would forget them and crying, literally crying, with sobs and gasps, for people I had never met. I was praying on the treadmill, running, having to drag in air, and knowing that I was struggling hard spiritually over people I didn’t even know. Agonizwmai. That was the heart of God I felt. God cared about them enough to die for them and now, I felt, I did too. I cared because God cared.
So did I believe? Not that “God’s will would be done” or that they would be saved “God willing.” I realized that while I should never presume to know the mind of God, on this day, for this prayer, saying I believe “if it was God’s will” was leaving me a loophole, an escape route in case God didn’t answer. For that moment, saying “God willing” was a mark, not of my faith, but of my doubt. “The one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind.” (James 1:6) Is that what I chose to be? It was very difficult for me to actually put my faith in the fact that God would answer this prayer. It was like letting go of a drifting buoy to stand on a rock in the middle of the sea. The buoy may have kept me afloat, but it also kept me unstable and wind-tossed.
After all those verses, all that prayer, all that agonizwmai, it all came down to Matthew 21:22: “And all things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive.” I ran through the logic in my mind, Bible in hand, sitting on the edge of the treadmill and I found myself saying, “If this verse is true…”
“If this verse is true?” How that must break the heart of God. Suddenly there was no question. There was no loophole, no “if.” God’s Word is true. So in that moment, I let go of my safety buoy to stand on the Rock of Ages. And on this Rock I put my trust, for I know three things
This prayer didn't come from me.
This prayer had power.
God’s Word is true.
As a result, I placed my brother’s three friends in the hands of God and rest assured that in His timing, He would bring all three of them to a saving faith in Jesus Christ. To the praise and the glory of His grace.