Pages 578-579 of my trusty, blue Bible are the most worn. They no longer adhere to the book itself, but rather fall out upon every opening. A particular prayer need that occurred about three years ago brought me to this passage. For over a year I read the highlighted portions of Psalm 104-105 and wrote additional verses all along the margins.
When the margins were full, I added sticky notes of various colors – five large ones and three small sticky notes, to be precise. The thing I had believed God for and prayed so intently about did not come to pass. When my husband came in from work late that night, I told him I wanted a new Bible for Christmas. One o’clock in the morning is probably not the best time to look at someone who has just driven into town and exclaim, “I want you to buy me a new Bible for Christmas!”
Although my husband fell into bed fully clothed, never remembering my request, I will not forget how broken hearted I was that night. Others who were standing in agreement about the same situation seemed despondent and listless. Most of those praying walked around in disbelief, wondering what good could possibly come from an apparent lack of response. While waiting for my request for a new Bible, I pulled a Bible from my bookshelf that had never been written in and began using it.
I closed the worn, blue NKJV Bible and placed it on the shelf instead. It just became too difficult to have my Bible fall open to scriptures I had written down such as 2 Chronicles 14:11, 2 Chronicles 25:9, and Genesis 18:14. Yes, I still believed God was good and worthy to be worshiped and praised. I continued to sing to Him and praise Him as instructed in Psalm 104:33-34 and Psalm 105:1-3.
Recounting all the many answers to prayer, it seemed almost childish to be so downtrodden about this one that was unanswered. I knew God to be good, gracious, and merciful. I fully believed Psalm 104:24, “O LORD, how manifold are Your works!” Shelving the Bible I had prayed faithfully from for over a decade had nothing to do with God’s goodness and everything to do with questioning myself.
Had I heard wrong? Was I praying something that was never God’s will? Whatever the reason for the unanswered prayer, I just did not want the reminder of all the hours I had poured myself into believing for the miracle that did not come. Days spent pacing the floors with the soft and thinly worn pages had been followed by nights on my knees. An answer had definitely come from God, albeit an answer I did not like; this time God’s answer was “no.”
Ready to begin a new journey with a fresh, pink Bible, I bounded into my ladies group on Wednesday morning with the pretty Bible. Determined to have the new Bible highlighted and marked with fresh notes, I smiled looking down at it. This was a chance for me to begin new memories and new prayers.
It did not take long before friends were calling and emailing me, asking for specific verses. Finding them in a pristine Bible, whose pages stuck together, became a monumental task. At first, I simply dusted off my original blue Bible only long enough to be able to answer the friend’s questions. Then, slowly, over the course of several months I finally succumbed to the truth that my entire adult life’s journey was in the blue Bible. I really could not do without it.
Putting down the pink Bible one last time, I picked up the blue one and began using it daily. The question then became, how can I stand strong in faith again? It had been a very difficult few months for the people around me after our colossal let down. Yet, here we were two years later with a similar request. Could we muster the faith to believe again?
I did a quick study on faith to rebuild my spiritual muscles. God spoke clearly through His word. Luke 5:18 and 20 says that faith without works is dead. 2 Corinthians 5:7 reminded me to walk by faith and not by sight. Romans 4:9 spoke to me that faith equates to righteousness. Galatians 3:11 said that I would be justified if I lived by faith. Romans 4:19 shouted at me to be no longer weak in faith. My favorite, however, was Romans 4:20. It said not to stagger in unbelief. I could visualize that so plainly. When I doubted myself and my ability to pray, I was staggering like a drunk person.
My self-doubt was really my doubting God. God is the one with the power, not me. God is the one who is the Creator, not me. God is the one who knows every aspect of the universe, not me. My job is to pray, but more importantly, to leave the results up to Him. The scripture I penned, from Job 37:14, on the left margin of my blue Bible says it best, “Stand still and see the wondrous works of God.”
Is something on your heart?
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