But by God's Grace

As a teenager I never understood why girls would willingly give away their virginity before marriage. But after growing up in a wonderful Christian home, I found myself at the age of 35, concerned I would die an old maid having never experienced this mysterious union of a man with a woman.

Mom married at age 29 and I was born when she was 30 years old. Would I ever know what it was like to have someone special? Would I ever experience sex? Would I ever experience pregnancy? By my mid-30’s that was becoming increasingly doubtful. I dated off and on over the 20 years between Dad’s death and Mom’s heavenly home-going. I often wondered what was wrong with me as most relationships did not last long. I can count on one hand the few suitors who desired a future with me, but in each case, the feeling was not mutual.

Alec* was a high school chemistry teacher; I met him through a summer research program at the university where I was employed. From the outset it was apparent that he enjoyed spending time with me. I guess I enjoyed the attention and also found him quite fascinating. Although this man was 10 years my senior, he was full of life and energy. He had climbed Mt. McKinley and spent time with Mother Teresa in Calcutta. We could talk about anything and everything from science to art to religion. I made excuses for meeting with this older man outside of work. We attended local scientific meetings together; we visited museums and attended concerts. I know I tried to excuse it all as innocent.

The biggest red flag was that he had been married and divorced twice. I recognized that I did not want to be a third wife. However, the attraction between us was too clear to ignore. If you had asked me at that time, I would have claimed that I was not doing anything wrong. I continued to pray daily. I continued to read the Bible and attend church. He even attended church with my mom and me occasionally.

I wondered how long I could continue to play with fire without getting burned. The climax was the afternoon we were alone at his home. My mind saw this as possibly the last opportunity in my life; I reasoned that I might be taking care of Mom until I died. Most of the other men I had dated had never understood me like this man did. I believed that he truly cared for me even though my mind struggled with the insanity of the relationship.

Temptation often sneaks up on us. I’m not sure when I finally acknowledged that the relationship I had with this man was dangerous. Mom cautioned against young people spending time alone together; she said it was like playing with matches and that someone would be burned. As I could hide little from Mom, I can only imagine she knew what I refused to verbalize. I was enjoying every moment with this man and I am sure she was bombarding heaven on my account.

God’s grace and mercy is overwhelming. Even when I might have gone astray, Mom’s prayers and God’s mercy kept me from making mistakes I would regret. Not everyone is so fortunate. I cannot take any credit. Undoubtedly, Mom’s intercession on my behalf kept us from crossing the line that afternoon at Alec’s home. It was also the turning point in our relationship. Alec told me he respected me too much. I was honestly disappointed. At that point I did not want him to respect me, I wanted the experience even if I would later regret it.

If you had challenged me at the time, I would have made excuses and claimed that I was not doing anything wrong. I could see that Mom disliked Alec, but she was wise enough to curtail direct criticism of him. I believe she was wise enough to realize that if she pushed too hard, she might push her daughter away. Mom often cautioned against unhappy marriages. Many women from church would call her asking for prayer for their troubled marriages. Divorce brought heartache and financial challenges to many of her female friends. I understood that she wanted to protect me from this emotional pain. Mom had muscular dystrophy and relied on a wheelchair, and I understood her fear of losing me as her care-giver. I loved Mom dearly and wanted to please her. However, by my mid-30’s, I was asking God how long I would be a care-giver and if I would have the opportunity of sharing life with someone special as Mom had enjoyed 18 wonderful years with Dad.

Soon thereafter, Alec started dating another woman and I was deeply hurt. I missed our times together and struggled with jealousy. My mind knew it was the right decision to end our relationship. I tried to believe that he was doing this out of love for me and maybe that was the truth. I am totally convinced today that it was a work of God’s infinite love and mercy in response to my mother’s prayers.

I share this to encourage other young women who struggle with singleness. God really does know best even when we cannot see His plan. In God’s time, I met a wonderful godly man who was also chaste. I am glad I was a virgin when I married my husband 18 months after Mom’s death. I had this gift to share with my husband at the age of 37 only by the grace and mercy of God. I thank God daily for my wonderful husband and believe that many of the blessings I enjoy today are a direct result of my Mother’s daily prayers on my behalf.

*Name changed